WWII Tanks and Habit Change — Avrum Nadigel, MSW, BComm

Dr. David Freeman on what gets in the way of our desire to bring change to ourselves and our relationships:

The forces of stability are far greater than the desire to change. The forces that keep us doing it the same have a higher degree of influence on us than the anxiety that change produces. So even though people talk about change, everything in the world they live in speaks to keeping it the same. I mean, we know what we know and no matter how bad it is, at least we know it.

When I was kid, I drew a lot of miliary tanks. American Shermans, German Tigers… I’d spend hours at the library recreating D-Day landings and other famous tank battles. One day, I think it was grade 8, a friend asked me why I wasted my time drawing tanks? Oh, he also said the my drawings were horrible. Well that was that - my love of drawing came to an end. In fact, I gave up on all arts oriented activity. Many years later, while going through a “what do I want to do with my life” period in my 20s, I started to experiment with drawing again. But because I abandoned drawing in junior high, my drawing skills were, welll… i didn’t really have much drawing skill. So any attempt to draw something looked like a picture that should be hanging in an elementary school hallway. Once again, I stopped drawing. I reasoned that this was for the best, and that there was better, more practical things I should be doing with my time. But this pattern would continue, an attempt to draw, frustration and then a rationalization that I wasn’t cut out for this.

And then, in my mid-30s - the drawing habit stuck. At the time, my girlfriend - who is now my wife - was a busy psychiatry residen. If memory serves, it was a Sunday afternoon, and Aliza was sleeping off another late night shift at the hospital. Bored, I left her apartment and walked to a nearby bookstore in downtown Toronto. It was either late December or early January, but whatever the case, there was a section at the front of the store entitled: “New Years Resolutions”. And there was one book that stood out from the rest - it was called “The Creative License” by Danny Gregory. It was a book about drawing, and the fear of making art. The illustrations were playful and didn’t seem too complex. This wasn’t one of those “let’s draw a cylander” for the next few months. In fact, he encouraged the reader to draw a bagel - and he said to draw it badly. I bought the book. And drew badly drawn bagels, every day, for a couple of weeks. The year was 2006, and I’ve been drawing... daily, every since.

What happened? For so many years I tried to establish a drawing habit, but I couldn’t make it stick. Perhaps I just lucked out, and found the right drawing book. Perhaps - but I don’t think that’s the main factor at play.

When I was working on the book with David, he would often talk about powerful forces that exist in our families - and how these forces keep people doing the same things - even if what we’re doing is unhealthy. And that if we didn’t respect and understand these forces, our attempts to change would likely fail.

You know, in my family - there was a lot of anxiety about money. And one way it manifested itself was a general feeling that whatever activity you engaged in, it should be directed towards building a secure career. I understood this to mean that making art would be a waste of time and resources. You know, something you did as a child, and were supposed to out grow. So even though the catalyst for abandoning drawing was my friend’s criticisms, i was programmed to walk away from making art. Subconciously, I think the payoff would be a relatively calm relationship with my parents, and less stress in the home. What I didn’t know then, but know now… there’s always a price to be paid for “going along to get along”.

However by the time I turned 30, I was living on my own, and in my first serious relationship. I was less consumed by what my parents or family thought of my career or leisurely pursuits. And my girlfriend was also artistic. She wrote poetry, and played a number of instruments. In fact, the first time I met Aliza’s parents, her youngest brother opened the door... paying a saxophone!! I mean, the guy never said “Hello”, he just belted out a tune. It would be within this setting where I would learn how to draw, and keep on drawing.

Now that I’m a father, I invest in good art supplies for my kids. There’S art all over our home. I would like to think that some of those old anxious forces from my family of origin have been worked though a bit. But we’ll have to wait and see. My kids are still very young, I’m curious to see how I’ll react should they continue to take art seriously when they are teenagers.

So don’t lose faith all ye New Year’s resolution people. While it is important to know that your attempts to change - whatever it is you’re trying to change - will be met with, “counter acting forces”, change is possible. You just have to endure some turbulence along the way.