The In-Law Advantage

Rabbi Ed Friedman, who worked with countless families throughout his career, had a keen insight into the complex dynamics that in-laws bring to a marriage. He recognized that our partner’s parents, like our own, began the process of raising their children, but that process is never fully complete. When we marry, we bring all of that unfinished business into the relationship. In my practice, I’ve often seen couples, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, express a fantasy and hope that their partner will fulfill all the unmet needs they didn’t receive from their families. But those immaturities we inherit don’t just vanish because we’ve married someone new. In fact, they often resurface in our marriages. I think what Friedman is getting at with the quote above is that these challenges, though tough at times, are really designed to help us grow up.

So, when you find yourself thinking, “How did I end up with someone like this?” take a moment to reflect: What if this person, with all their quirks and flaws, is exactly who you need to help you grow? Now, go give your mother or father-in-law a big hug.

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